Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
