apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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