Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
