Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
