Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
