I need to stop coming to work sober
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
