Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
