I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
