so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
