Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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