my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
