The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
its liver damage thursday
Randomize