She announced her abortion via fbk
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
