I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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