My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
