I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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