Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
