just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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