UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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