Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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