I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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