as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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