But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize