the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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