Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
