ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
