The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
