True but thats because hes a fetus.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
