how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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