Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
