my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
