Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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