Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
