why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
