My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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