I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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