i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize