Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I am in a vortex of obligation.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
