I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
