I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
