Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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