I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
