Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
MIDGETS
????
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
