Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
