By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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