dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
