she was so not down for the gang bang
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
