stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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