My underwear smells like fireworks.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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