Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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