phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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