the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
