a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
3 2 1 whiskey
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
