So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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