she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
