Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
COCAINE IS GR8
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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