watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
honey bunches of taint.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
