Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he was CRYING into my vagina
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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