does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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