my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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