Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
