the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
