No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
